you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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