she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
