i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
