you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
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