I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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