woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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