Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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