i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I supernannyed him into submission
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
