There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
