the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
