Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
