She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
