i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
