I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
