I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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