First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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