how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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