I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
