The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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