Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
