my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
