why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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