I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
