wakey wakey hands off snakey
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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