why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
