This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
