i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
