ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
