I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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