I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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