70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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