it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
