if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
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Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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