wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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