I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
