I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
