There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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