I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
my liver is dry heaving
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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