I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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