you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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