I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
