so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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