wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
