she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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