with your own penis?
Do you still have your period?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
