what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
