between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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