I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
