I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
