we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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