Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
