Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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