Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
