Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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