I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
