I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
