New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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