how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I met the friendliest cop last night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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