Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
